Parenting with "Atomic Habits", by James Clear

 "An atomic habit is a little habit that is part of a larger system. Just as atoms are the building blocks of molecules, atomic habits are the building blocks of remarkable results." 

Four-step Process of Habit Formation 

In his book, "Atomic Habits", James Clear outlines a four-steps process that results in habit formation: cue, craving, response, and reward. 

Step 1: Cue 

A cue is anything that gets your attention and signifies what to do next. For example, you smell fresh bread from the oven as you walk through the grocery store bakery.  

Step 2: Craving

A craving is the desire or motivation to act on the cue. That desire or motivation comes from a satisfactory expected result. In the case of fresh bread, a yummy taste and full belly. 

Step 3: Response

The response is the action that follows, the behavior: You buy and eat the bread. 

Step 4: Reward

And the reward satisfies your craving. The bread is delicious, and in the future when the cue of freshly baked bread again presents itself at the grocery store bakery, you will be likely to repeat the process outlined above. 

Four Laws of Behavior Change

James Clear then ties each step above with a law of behavior change, which, when followed, put us in control of our (or our kids) habit formation, rather than relying on random grocery store smells. 

Let's use bike riding as an example. Vivian is currently learning to ride a bike. She has mastered the balance bike, and we are now adding pedals. I want her to create a habit of practicing riding her bike. So, let's go through each law and make it happen.

First Law (cue): Make it Obvious

First, she needs a cue that it is time to practice. The purpose of the cue is to grab the child's attention and clue them into what they should do next, in this case, practice riding her bike. 

The more obvious the cue, the better. James Clear recommends habit stacking, which is basically tying the new habit to an already established habit. 

He suggests the phrase: 

"After (current habit), I will (new habit)."

For example, "After Mom calls me for recess, I will get on my bike."

I am the cue and recess is a habit we already have in place. It happens each day after homeschool lessons. So when I say, "It's time for recess. Let's practice bikes!" this is Vivian's obvious cue. 

Second Law (craving): Make it Attractive

A habit becomes attractive when those in our social group participate in it. Why? Because as humans we naturally crave social acceptance and belonging. 

So when it's time to ride bikes, all the kids get out their bikes and practice at their varying skill levels. If everyone is doing it, Vivian will be motivated to join in, too. 

Third Law (response): Make it Easy

"Even when you know you should start small, it’s easy to start too big. When you dream about making a change, excitement inevitably takes over and you end up trying to do too much too soon. The most effective way I know to counteract this tendency is to use the Two-Minute Rule, which states, “When you start a new habit, it should take less than two minutes to do.” You’ll find that nearly any habit can be scaled down into a two-minute version: “Read before bed each night” becomes “Read one page.” “Do thirty minutes of yoga” becomes “Take out my yoga mat.” “Study for class” becomes “Open my notes.” “Fold the laundry” becomes “Fold one pair of socks.” “Run three miles” becomes “Tie my running shoes."

So I told Vivian that bike practice would happen every day, but only for three minutes. I don't know why I picked three instead of two, but that's what I did. Then we sat and watched a timer count down for three minutes so she could see how short it was - totally easy! 

The beautiful thing about making it easy is that you can always do more if you feel up to it, but if you don't, you still feel great about what you accomplished. 

In fact, we are on day 7 or so of bike riding practice, and not once has Vivian wanted to stop after three minutes. But when she struggles to get out the door at the beginning of practice, all I say is, "Only for three minutes, and then we'll be done." and that reminder of ease gets her out the door. 

You can also make a habit easy by preparing the environment. If Vivian's bike were high on a bike rack and we could never find her shoes, the effort needed to actually get on the bike would be a deterrent. But her bike is within easy reach for her, and she has shoes on the shelf by the garage door. I don't even make her wear socks with her shoes even though her feet get so stinky because that would add extra difficulty.

Fourth Law (reward): Make it satisfying. 

"The first three laws of behavior change—make it obvious, make it attractive, and make it easy—increase the odds that a behavior will be performed this time. The fourth law of behavior change—make it satisfying—increases the odds that a behavior will be repeated next time. It completes the habit loop."

Let's be real - people will do just about anything once. But if you want people to repeat a behavior again and again, it's got to be satisfying. Once upon a time, some roommates convinced me to go snowboarding. I went because I wanted to belong to the social group. 

At the top of the mountain I was freezing cold. Then I fell getting off the lift for my first run and bruised my tailbone, and by the time I got to the bottom of the mountain I was sweating like a pig! Have I ever snowboarded again? No! It was not satisfying. 

On the other hand, I never miss a night of flossing my teeth. The feel of the floss cleaning between every tooth and the minty freshness that follows, that is satisfying. That is an experience I want to repeat. 

James clear believes that one of the best ways to make an activity more rewarding for children, is through the praise of their parents. 

Children love to feel that their parents are proud of them. It is a satisfying and enjoyable experience to feel that what they have accomplished has made someone they love happy. They will want to repeat the behavior again for the same result. Again, the craving is for social acceptance, and praise delivers the desired result. 

So when Vivian is out there practicing, you better believe I'm right there, cheering her on. If she tries to get started on her own and fails, I'm right there with a, "look at you trying to start on your own! Great effort! Give it another go." If she has a good long run, I'm calling from five houses away, "Go! Go! Go! You're doing amazing!" 

And her proud face and desire to practice beyond the three minute time allotment is all I need to know that it's working. 

We also took another idea from the book to add reward: the magic paperclip. This may sound silly, but it's really great. I counted out 30 paperclips and put them in a little white pail. Then I drew a little bike with a number 3 next to it on a sticky note and taped it to the pail. 

"Whenever you get out there and practice for your three minutes," I said, "you can move a paper clip from this pail (full) to this pail (empty) and by the time all of your paperclips have been moved, you are going to be riding that bike really really well." 

And so that's what we do. She moves a paperclip every day we practice and sees a big picture of all the work she has put into learning to ride her bike. It is rewarding, and the next day when her cue rolls around, "Time for recess! Let's practice bikes." She is a little bit closer to an automatic habit. 

It's been about a week, and her progress is astounding even me. I could not have believed this process would work so well, but it has! At this rate, she'll be ready for a family bike ride before her practice pail is empty.

Have you read Atomic Habits? What did you think? 

Sincerely, 

Elizabeth Erin